Trailer(s) Trash(ed) takes a look at a new trailer from the previous week and second-by-second, minute-by-minute rips it to shreds. As if it were a bribe and I’m the only honest cop in town.

This is purely for entertainment purposes and does not necessarily reflect the writer’s opinion of the product in question.

Unless that product has Adam Sandler’s gurning face all over it.

00:00 – 00:04
Enjoy this moment, because it’s the highlight of the trailer.

00:05 – 00:10
Meet Adam Sandler and his darling family, Katie Holmes, Snow White and a little Indian Boy. I assume the nature of his parentage will be explained in the feature (although I may be giving the carbon monoxide choked chimps that work for Happy Madison too much credit) but I hope Adam Sandler had a bastard child, after a brief fling, and nobody draws attention to this because it’s still a point of consternation between him and Holmes.

As you can see, Adam Sandler lives in a mansion displaying that everyman appeal that has made him so popular of late. I’m going to assume, based on every other Adam Sandler led Happy Madison project, that his means of income is either a complete mystery (my bet: human trafficker) or something that affords him a lot of free time (my bet: he’s Mark Zuckerberg).

00:11 – 00:16
Adam Sandler has to pick up his sister at the airport, obviously this is a massive inconvenience for a rich man with so much free time and so few responsibilities that he can walk around in shirts several sizes too big for him with impunity.

00:17 – 00:19
When a trailer references “the holidays” it’s a subliminal way of telling audiences, “Do you really want to spend all that time in the house with your relatives? There’s probably nothing else to see this weekend, so don’t fight it, you’re ours now.”

00:20 – 00:21
Scenes of an abandoned airport, as if taking place during the aftermath of a terrible catastrophe.

Oddly fitting.

00:22 – 00:26
And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind. And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places. And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains; And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb: For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

Or, to put it succinctly: Here is Adam Sandler in drag.

00:26 – 00:32
Two Adam Sandler’s. One, speaking with a shrill and irritating voice. The other, speaking like a woman.

This scene manages to prove that Adam Sandler even lacks convincing chemistry with himself.

00:33 – 00:41
Two obnoxious idiots in a movie theater. To Adam Sandler’s audience this will be their first experience with meta-film.

Note: Every inch of the screen is filled with carefully positioned Coca Cola logos. My local cinema only serves Pepsi, dipshits, your product placement will only drive me into the arms of your competitor. Or meth.

00:42
The first leg of the tagline arrives: “She isn’t subtle.” Oh right, because Adam Sandler is the pillar of fucking restraint.

00:43 – 00:52
As a gesture of goodwill, the Sandler family have invited Zach Galifianakis for Thanksgiving dinner.

00:53 – 00:59
Tagline, part 2: “She isn’t shy.”

That’s right, she has written a wish list. The brazen tart.

01:00 – 01:01
Adam Sandler murders a horse.

01:02 – 01:05
Jesus Christ, this has only been going on for a minute? I could have sworn I’ve been sat here for, like, seven hours. Did I black out at all? Why is my nose bleeding?

01:06
Tagline, part 3: “She isn’t leaving.”

That sounds menacing. Honestly, if this movie goes completely Funny Games all will be forgiven.

01:07 – 01:08
Adam Sandler simulates suicide. Finally a feeling I can relate to…

01:09 – 01:15
Adam Sandler finds work for his marginally talented friends.

01:16 – 01:21
Remember the scene in The Happening, where the man leaps under the blades of an out of control ride-on lawnmower? Picture that during this sequence, it helps.

01:21 – 01:23
Katie Holmes meddles in the affairs of others, probably payback for Sandler’s illicit lovechild.

01:24
The pair attend a basketball game, because Adam Sandler must either be seen watching sports or participating in sports at some point during every movie he makes.

01:25 – 01:35
Al Pacino, in a novelty Serpico beard, lusts after Lady Sandler. Ah, so he’s also doing an impersonation of his Scent of a Woman character.

01:35 – 01:37
Let’s make a deal, right? Let’s pretend we never heard that “Twister with your sister” line. We’ll push it down. Deep down. Like a painful childhood memory involving priests or Pennywise the Clown. The day this memory finally resurfaces, we will meet on a cliff and throw ourselves off it.

01:38 – 01:47
Happy Madison have arranged for the cast and crew to travel on an expensive cruise liner, solely to shoot Adam Sandler playing jump rope. Money well spent.

01:48 – 01:49
It’s hard to tell if Sandler is aiming for sincerity or farce with this scene. I suspect the former that achieves the latter.

01:50 – 01:58
You own a jet ski and a huge swimming pool, I will not care if your insane sister destroys your pool, your furniture or your children. In fact, I will probably welcome it.

01:59
Freeze frame this shot. Sandler’s face, times two. Both expressions are the unmistakable look of a man quietly counting the millions he will make shitting this monstrosity into your eyes and ears.

02:00 – 02:08
And because Righteous Kill wasn’t enough of a smear on his CV, Al Pacino returns to set up a joke that implies he will be fucking Adam Sandler by proxy.

02:10 – 02:18
The daughter is dressed as an Amish wife. The son is dressed as a… penis head? I don’t even know. Lady Sandler tests the idea that twins share pain and, in the process, ruins my theory that Jack and Jill are the same person and everyone in the family is indulging in his deranged fantasy.

02:19 – 02:22
The penis-faced boy knocks Lady Sandler out. The father rewards his son’s act of misogyny with praise and encouragement.

02:28 – End
11-11-11. Darren Lynn Bousman is releasing a horror movie called that (trailer available here), which predicts a horrific and otherworldly event occurring on that date. I think this trailer is proof.

In Summary
Well… At least Kevin James isn’t it, right?