Trailer(s) Trash(ed) takes a look at a new trailer from the previous week and second-by-second, minute-by-minute rips it to shreds – like a lion tearing through a baby gazelle made entirely of tissue paper.

This is purely for entertainment purposes and does not necessarily reflect the writer’s opinion of the product in question.

Unless that product is a “Footloose” remake.

00:00 – 00:10
We jump into the trailer, party in full effect, kids are drinking and dancing to an update of the Kenny Loggins “Footloose” theme. Acknowledge that someone, somewhere decided this was a good idea.

00:11-00:12
Nothing ruins a party quite like a head-on collision. Unless you’re in David Cronenberg’s “Crash” and then the party is just getting started.

00:14
Cue tragedy music, this tells us that we must expect pathos in our felonious dancing movie.

00:15 – 00:20
Here we are introduced to the role of Rev. Dennis Quaid’s Angry Forehead. We see him vaguely stating his case for the prohibition of hip thrusts and rhythmic clapping, but he does so with pleas of compassion and calm, whereas in the original movie points were made through hysteria and yelling. I think we all know which is more realistically going to succeed.

00:21 – 00:25
Against all odds, and overlooking the fact it was drink-driving that killed those young idiots, the town council bans all dancing among minors.

If it was dancing among miners and the tragedy was a coal mine explosion, I’d understand the knee-jerk reaction. You’re there for coal, you slackers, get back to work!

00:30 – 00:37
Enter Ren, our plucky protagonist, and in a unique twist on the old “Footloose” formula the writers have turned the character into an alien from a far off planet. His accent is an approximation of sounds detected through satellite transmissions from Earth (a mix of different countries and eras and don’t be surprised to hear some whale song in the finished product) and his dated fashion sense was carefully selected from archived images of the planet’s youth culture. He is basically dressed exactly the same as Kevin Bacon in the original, a look that was several decades out of sync with fashion 27 years ago.

00:37 – 00:47
Ren is given a car by his adoptive Earth Uncle. Unfamiliar with such a contraption and mistaking it for some manner of hairless bear or giant turtle, he prods and kicks the vehicle, hoping to wake it up for further communication.

00:48 – 00:52
It’s Ren’s first day in school and he arrives looking like the Fonz’s nebbish twin. Yet, in a town where the most exciting thing to ever happen is a car crash, the presence of a man with no understanding of modern fashion or coherent speech is cause for great excitement among the female population.

I would wager there is nary a dry pair of panties in the halls as he walks by, if such fluids were not already banned after a mildly aroused teenage girl died in a cooking oil fire five years earlier.

00:54 – 01:02
Ren walks into the kid from “Rabbit Hole”, playing the part of Chris Penn. Their exchange plays out as such:

Chris Penn: “Where’re you from? You talk funny.”

Ren: “AH TAHRK FUNNEH? YEW SHURD HEAH YEW FRAM MAHEND.”

Chris Penn: “Let’s form an immediate bond based on mutual rudeness.”

Ren: “UH’RM REN! MERMERMER!”

And they say making new friends is difficult.

01:04 – 01:06
In a display of passive aggressive rebellion against the church mandated ban on dancing, the teens of this town use Sunday church as an excuse to check out members of the opposite sex. If a kid falls over outside and breaks their neck, they may be forced to ban God next.

01:06 – 01:11
Ren is perplexed by the nature of womankind, particularly the daughter of Dennis Quaid’s Angry Forehead, named Sassy Denimpants. In this scene Ren consults his car for advice, still not realising it isn’t a person.

01:12 – 01:17
Sassy invites Ren to attend a scene from “The Fast And The Furious” where people burst into spontaneous, yet flawlessly choreographed dance routines. How did they get this much practice in when there’s no way for them to dance? This could be the work of a hive mind.

01:17 – 01:23
Sassy sasses Ren, which is very surprising from someone like her, goading him to bust a few moves. And bust he does; he’s back flipping and grinding like there’s no tomorrow. Imagine how dangerous she would be with a crack pipe?

01:24 – 01:25
Rev. Angry Forehead arrives at the party and ruins everything, proving that a gigantic gathering in a well-known public location is a terrible place to hold your secret dance party. This is why teenagers aren’t allowed to be spies.

01:26 – 01:30
Despite banning dancing, Dennis Quaid’s Angry Forehead is baffled that his daughter would go against his wishes. If he wanted her to act according to his own standards, he should ban mathematics and wearing skirts that go below the knee.

01:31 – 01:38
This is a fascinating moment for a movie trailer, they have included a scene where a character recaps what happened one and a half minutes ago. This speaks volumes about the audience “Footloose” is courting.

01:39 – 01:43
The Sheriff’s department single Ren out as a trouble maker and are ready to turn this into a remake of the opening 1/3 of “First Blood”, if need be. Expect them to break out the hose any minute now. Please let there be a hose.

01:44
Ren, all swagger and defiance, posts invites to an illegal dance. No more secret dance-offs in very public, easy to find places, it’s time to get really shameless about it. In all seriousness, how do you enforce a dance ban? If they catch every single kid dancing at once, what can they do? Will they be forced to fire tear gas into the crowds? Please let there be tear gas.

01:49 – 01:49
Ren is driving, pulling a face that could only mean he is in a rush to get to the nearest toilet, when the fuzz pull him over. The officer warns Ren about his attitude. Attitude we have not seen in this trailer yet, which leads me to believe that his five accents and expressions of all-consuming bowel control cause a lot of misunderstandings in this town.

01:50 – 01:55
A cockload of angry dancing! If only Ren could channel all that energy and aggression into something petty like vandalism or grievous bodily harm, he would probably have less trouble with the law.

01:56
Dennis Quaid’s Sad Forehead.

02:00 – 02:04
Ren attempts to appeal to the common sense of a town that outlawed dancing in response to a car crash. Not even a stuttering Colin Firth could come up with a speech inspiring enough to reach these people. Let’s see how Ren plays this…

“DIS AW TARM!”

The crowd goes wild, leading me to believe that he is the vocal equivalent of a Rorschach Test – people just hear what they want to hear.

02:05
The Council Elders: Thoroughly put in their place. Or more likely trying to understand what he just said.

02:07 – 02:10
A previously unknown antagonist is threatening to commit assault upon Ren’s person. I can only assume this is another consequence of Ren’s toilet face confusing people.

02:11 – 02:12
A lot of sweaty line dancing. Which, as we all know, is the worst kind of sweaty dancing but the best kind of line dancing.

02:17 – 02:19
In the “Footloose” of 1984, kids passed the time playing chicken with slow moving tractors. You can shove that where you keep your vinyls, Granddad. This is 2011, it’s all about racing schoolbuses until they explode now.

02:20 – End
Things cap off with a lot of unrelated images of teenage japes and hijinx. Even if you discount knowing all about the original, it seems like they just showed you the entire movie. This can only be good news.

In Summary:
It is hard to hate a movie so blissfully unaware of how stupid it is, and “Footloose” is so committed to this notion that it covers its ears, yelling “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!”

I got a huge kick out of the accent of newcomer Kenny Wormald who (to my surprise) is actually American. Let that knowledge mingle with that accent and feel your thoughts turn to curd. I was positive he was some kind of French time traveler from the 19th Century, and 21st Century English is an outrageous fever dream to his overwhelmed brain.

I was a little dismayed when the credits block revealed this movie to be the work of Craig Brewer, director of “Hustle & Flow” and “Black Snake Moan”, two movies I really enjoy. I have to give him credit here, he did his due diligence,  toiling away on a pair of impersonal low-budget movies to finally get his passion project made: “Footloose”.

I won’t lie, I find myself wanting to see this movie, if only so I can see if there is any context in the universe where a “Mad Max”-esque bus race will make sense in a movie about dancing.