The name’s Bond. James Bond. And I’m now a relic!
Yes, that’s right folks. I think Mr 007 is old hat. To be honest, I’ve never been a huge fan of the suave spy.
From the sleaziness of Roger Moore to the cocksure big-head that was Sean Connery – who is, in my mind, the best of the Bonds – the franchise never caught my attention.
I know it was a sign of the times. The man being irresistible to almost every woman he came into contact with – in fact it’s an affliction I’ve since suffered… – but I wanted to see bad guys being beaten to a pulp.
Even the more recent entrants into the Bond hall of fame, including Timothy ‘The Damp Squib’ Dalton, Pierce Brosnan or Daniel ‘One Note’ Craig, failed to capture my imagination.
How could this be? Especially when ITV had a habit of showing them ad nauseum over holiday weekends or, purely for the sake of it, on a Sunday afternoon.
Having grown up watching onscreen hardmen like John McLean (Willis), Rocky (Stallone), Dutch (Schwarzenegger) and – to a lesser extent – Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, I couldn’t connect with a sophisticated secret agent with camp one-liners and a penchant for gadgets a girly drinks.
A Vodka Martini? Seriously? Hey, Jamesy, if you want to be seen as a fearsome killer of uber-villains you need to drink something a bit more manly. Blouse!
Sure, he got the girl but he was rarely a good judge of character. How many of the women he bedded turned out to be a sidekick of the bad guy?
In fact, for me, Bond was – and still is – an outdated relic who should have been killed off a long time ago.
With a raised eyebrow, Bond prepares another double entendre
Attempting to reinvent him during the Bourne-era was a desperate attempt by the studio and filmmakers to thrust him into the 21st century, all badass with an icy glare.
Unfortunately, putting Craig in the lead role only served to make the franchise suffer further. The guy is a one-note actor with little or no range. The only way he could seriously harm the baddie was by boring them to death with his monotone delivery.
Nowadays there is more chat about who’ll be performing the opening track for Bond than there is about the actual film, and that says it all.
Give me a secret agent à la Bourne any day of the week over the gadget-reliant Bond.
Bourne is a proper tough guy. He can fashion a weapon out of a fucking magazine. Ol’ double ‘O’ negative would have to wait on another weapon being designed, tested and manufactured. By that point the villain would be on his Learjet and off to pastures new.
007 also requires the best car money can build, aka an Aston Martin or some other supercar. However, Bourne can zip about in an old-style Mini and still get away from his pursuers. Another win for Bourne.
I will concede the females in Bond are generally much more aesthetically pleasing, but hot chicks don’t make a film great. Unless that film is of the porn variety!
The thought of another Bond movie – Skyfall – fills me with utter nonchalance. I couldn’t care less what his latest mission is. He’s old hat. Past it.
The first trailer for Skyfall has compounded my issues with the franchise. It may have Sam Mendes on board but it’s doing nothing new. It hasn’t evolved into something exciting or as action packed as I’d like it. Craig’s line delivery remains mind-numbing.
It’s time to put out Mr B to pastures new. Were he a horse, he’d have been shot by now.
With a new Bourne film on the horizon, sans Jason Bourne, my excitement levels for this franchise far outweigh anything Bond could do.
Jeremy Renner is a much better fit for a film where action is the order of the day. In fact, put them in a fight to the death and a Bourne spy would be picking his teeth with whatever gizmo Bond had attempted to use. Said gadget would then be rammed up James’ ass for added effect, I imagine.
There’s only room on my DVD shelves for one badass super spy and it will forever remain available for Bourne.
Bond discs do come in handy as coasters, though.
