Once again at the BFI Southbank, Empire Magazine has displayed the after birth of Comic-Con on a stage for all to see. And seeing as this is now the third year running it was presented to us in glorious (and sometimes not-so-glorious *cough*Kim Newman*cough*) 3-D.
It’s nice that there are no false allusions of grandeur. Although demand is growing each year, the venue stays the same and let this be the first of many proclamations over the next few articles that the projection and other technical components of the BFI Southbank are the Gold Standard in the UK. Although with this comes one major disclaimer: Their 3-D capabilities are leaps and bounds above major UK cinema chains and footage that was rumoured to look like shit at Comic-Con looked fantastic here so bear that in mind if you’re foolish enough to interpret my words as law. (Seriously I spent the entirety of the Priest footage attempting to figure out the sensor on the front of the 3D glasses as a welcome distraction from what was on the screen, I most likely looked like a tool… but it was fascinating. Shiny things…)
The event consisted of three days, of which the first was Friday… and as it were, it came before Saturday and Sunday. Except Friday wasn’t a full day, no… It was merely an evening, a starter to whet the appetite. Expecting only to see The Expendables, it was announced late in the day that proceedings would kick off an hour early for ‘special guests and screenings’.
127 Hours
Master of Ceremonies, and future Mrs. Statham, Chris Hewitt announced that Movie-Con was to be the first audience in THE WORLD to see the freshly cut teaser trailer for Danny Boyle’s latest exercise in premature ejaculation. The film, based on true events, tells the story of Aron Ralston who during a rock climbing expedition in Utah found himself royally fucked when a boulder trapped his arm against the cliff face. As the title implies he was there for 127 hours before (spoilers) breaking free to write a book for Danny Boyle to make a movie from.
The trailer wasn’t particularly impressive. The edit seemed to imply Boyle’s film would be viewed through the prism of hypertensive child with a camcorder, which coincidentally seems to be how James Franco is portraying Ralston. Not that this is a bad thing, mind, as Franco’s an incredibly charismatic actor at the worst of times. But the footage seemed somewhat cheap, the digital photography making everything seem too crisp and colourful to the point where the actual Utah locations look like green screen. Featured prominently are Kate Mara and Amber Tamblyn as flirtations for Ralston and give an idea of how much of a teaser this really is. It ends with Ralston finding himself trapped, letting out a wail worthy of Hayden Christensen and daring you to sit through Cast Away 2.
I imagine working on the Apollo programme at NASA is akin to my experiences of watching Danny Boyle films. You know one day he’s gonna stick the landing but how many times can he excite us with excellent first and second acts before he lands on the moon? Then again, the only Boyle film I’ve ever really liked is A Life Less Ordinary so maybe I’m not the one to judge.
Boyle and producer Christian Colson were on hand for a brief Q&A in which they made it clear they didn’t want to emulate Touching the Void for fear of being too compelling. Noting that Ralston’s acts in the film aren’t really the stuff of mass entertainment, the uphill challenge is for the audience to identify his actions as heroic,  citing prison break films as influences. Oh and apparently Franco was chained to the set every day. I think a similar thing happened on Spider-Man 3.
A Town Called Panic
Feeling the need for levity, the second and third panels of the evening were reversed to bring us A Town Called Panic (Panique au Village), introduced by Hammer & Tongs (Garth Jennings and Nick Goldsmith) … Who have absolutely nothing to do with the making of the film!! As it were, they were quick to point this out themselves, having been asked to help promote the film by the gents at Optimum, the very same people who funded and distributed their last feature Son of Rambow. Turns out they were charmed and more than a little bewildered by the insanity of the “Belgian Animated Wonder” and leaped on board.
A Town Called Panic tells the story of Horse, Indian & Cowboy who live together in a medium sized house in a small town called… that’s right, Panic. Its Horse’s birthday and Cowboy & Indian have forgotten to get him a present. Noticing his Cap collection is already pretty sizeable; they decide to build him a BBQ. For this they need bricks, but nothing is that simple and what follows is a tale of romance, danger, fish people and the centre of the Earth! Jennings & Goldsmith showed two sequences from the film, the opening and the assault on the farmer’s house by the fish people, both of which got a rapturous response from an audience initially confused by the lack of superpowers.
Following the clips and trailer, we were lucky enough to be shown a filmed message from one of the film’s animators, Pavel, who looked suspiciously like Adam Buxton. There’s not much I can say to describe the wonders of his insanity but after being lucky enough to witness Pavel’s  nihilistic take on Pokemon (Pavelmon) and Black Rock No Pants (a re-imagining of Spongebob Squarepants) its clear the world of animation is a poorer place due to Pavel’s alcohol addiction. It was he who suggested to the filmmakers that they remove any bits of the film which make sense, and it’s clear how integral his contribution was.
Having been lucky enough to see A Town Called Panic a few times now, it’s easy to see where Jenning’s and Goldsmith’s enthusiasm comes from. The film is an incredible melding of Family Guy’s energy, dry European wit and crude stop motion animation which fully deserved an Oscar Nomination last year, and along with Mary & Max a sad casualty of last year’s exceptionally strong slate. There’s nothing I else I could write to sell the film that would make much sense, but Panic is a cult classic in the making, and deserves to be seen by an audience when it comes out October 15th in the UK.
Never Let Me Go/Judge Dredd
My most anticipated panel of the evening turned out to be the most disappointing. Never Let Me Go deserves excitement for many reasons, most important of which is the return to the screen of director Mark Romanek (One Hour Photo). Andrew Macdonald and Allon Reich, the producers of the film were one hand to show only the trailer, all the while telling the Movie-Con audience that the film was finished and is ready for its bow at the London Film Festival on October 13th.
Without wanting to give too much away (although the trailer does a damn fine job of that) Never Let Me Go is an adaptation of Kazuo Ishiguro’s novel of the same name starring Carey Mulligan, Spider-Man 2.0 and Keira Knightley. It follows the story of three children from Hailsham a mysterious school in the English countryside as they grow older, fall in love and discover their true purpose. The trailer, which has been available online for a couple of months now, looks suitably prestigious and well acted but gives slightly too much away, something Reich was keen to address stating that more time was spent editing the first third than the rest for that very reason. Fingers crossed the power and subtlety of the novel translates to the finished film. If done right, don’t be surprised to see Carey Mulligan up on the Kodak Podium in February.
Following this, Macdonald and Reich teased a salivating horde with Judge Dredd shaped bone with a few teensy, tiny morsels of meat hanging precariously above the rapid mouths below. There wasn’t a lot of love for the 1995 silver screen incarnation of the character and Macdonald and Reich want to return him to his roots. Most interesting were the confirmations of John Wagner’s involvement, Karl Urban as Dredd and the lack of Urban-Face we’ll see in the film. I’m all for reverence to source material, but surely the world is worse off for lack of Urban-Face? Ah well, I’m sure they can convince me.
More interesting to me were Macdonald & Reich’s comments that Dredd, scripted by Alex Garland, would be shot in South Africa utilising the crew of District 9 and working on a similar budget. A long shot, but if it’s any indication of similar quality we could be in for a rough and raw Judge Dredd movie, one that actually isn’t a steaming pile of donkey shit. It wasn’t confirmed over the weekend, but rumours persist that Stallone didn’t show up for The Expendables screening due to weeping man-tears into empty steroid packets in the green room. Damn those thin walls.
The Expendables (Mini-Review)
It’s hard not to be slightly sceptical about The Expendables. Film history is littered with various mash-ups and geek wet dreams that sound fantastic in theory that limp onto the screen with a resounding anti-climactic whimper. Sylvester Stallone has obviously decided that resurrecting specific characters from his past is no longer enough, and that he now needs to bring back an entire genre… and to do that and succeed he needs to bring along a few friends.
The Expendables is a terrible film. The pace is choppy, the CGI is reminiscent of 1998’s Blade, the film is framed on a permanent Dutch-Angle and quite frankly the title is a lie. And it took about half an hour to realise that’s the point, it’s a terrible film, but it’s a damn fun movie. The ‘All-Star’ cast amount to little more than extended cameos, with the story focusing primarily on Statham, Li and Stallone who have the best chemistry between them of the lot. Li in particular shows how adept he is at intentional comedy within the English language and Statham continues to prove himself and the logical successor to the action movie crown.
So it doesn’t entirely work as a film, but it succeeds at being pure entertainment. It would be easy to nitpick over things that would make the film better, but it feels like that’s beside the point. At one point near the end it becomes clear that Stallone is keeping himself entertained by seeing exactly how many ridiculous sentences he can get Eric Roberts to say for a free meal and title credit. That sense of mischief plays into the final 30 minutes, showcasing an absolutely orgasmic display of macho violence resulting in an ending far more exhilarating than Slumdog Millionaire and probably just as racist.
It’s not perfect, but it was never meant to be. Something tells me it will play better in hindsight and after watching countless attempts as starting summer movie franchises; leave it to the good old boys to show how it’s done.
7/10
That’s all for Friday… Two More Days to go!

