In this new weekly feature, I’ll be taking two popular film characters that share a monicker and make them duke it out Top Trumps style to see who comes out on top. This week, who will win the epic smack down to become… King of the Dynamites?
In the blue corner, hailing from Preston, Idaho and weighting in at 135lbs, the jewel in the independent comedy crowd, ladies and gentle… Napoleon Dynamite!
And in the red corner, fresh from his war on those that sell drugs in the community and weighting in at 210lbs, the smoothest, baddest mother to ever hit the big screen… Black Dynamite!
ND: Although he claims to have been headhunted by a gang for his bow staff skills and is infamous for killing, like, 50 wolverines in Alaska with a freakin’ 12 gauge, he is most definitely pulling everyones pisser. That said, Napoleon does displays several talents that can be put to practical use, including his uncanny sense of taste, his prowess with a 2B pencil and his incredible knack for ad-hoc dance routines.
BD: Vietnam veteran, former CIA agent, pimp, activist and Kung-Fu master, Black Dynamite is a complete and total bad-ass; he’s the Dynamite Napoleon thinks he is and more. Unlike Napoleon, Black is a man of action guaranteed to put your ass into traction. But he’s not all brawn, he also possesses a cunning mind which can break down the most seemingly complicated criminal plots like they were a celebrity crossword puzzle in Grazia.
Black Dynamite 1 – 0 Napoleon Dynamite
BD: Black Dynamite’s crew might be the baddest mothers on the street in the fight against pushers and The Man but the only one left standing at the end of the day is our titular hero. His two most noticeable compadres are Bullhorn, distinguishable for rhyming prose whilst delivering a serious beat down, and Cream Corn, who although starts out as a high voiced, camp snitch reforms into a high voiced, camp hero. Sadly, the pair are dispensed by the Kung Fu master Fiendish Dr. Wu and an RPG toting White House special forces goon respectively .
ND: Napoleon’s posse might start out as life’s whipping boys but in the end they come out on top. Although his brother Kip does feature in Napoleon’s escapades, he spends the majority of his time either selling third rate tupperware or chatting with babes online. Napoleon’s true ally is undoubtably Pedro, the poor immigrant boy who through a combination of hard work, awesome campaign posters and excellent wig choices beats Summer Wheatley to the school presidency. Plus, his cousins are obviously gang-bangers.
Black Dynamite 1 – 1 Napoleon Dynamite
ND: Napoleon knows exactly what women want; nunchucku skills, bow hunting skills and computer hacking skills. As mentioned above, Napoleon lacks all three of the fundamental skills to bag a lady, although he does have the stones to drop the best chat-up line in existence:
“I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ’cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.”
Sadly, all he gets for his Herculean efforts is a slow dance to Alphaville and a game of tetherball. Sadly, neither are euphemisms.
BD: The first time we see Black Dynamite his mighty moustachioed face is bobbing up and down as he makes love to a bed full of ethnically varied women; he’s an equal opportunity shagger. This cat’s constantly on the pull, managing to seduce a nurse during a trip to the hospital after getting shot and even First Lady Pat Nixon, despite pimp-slapping her into a china cabinet. And if the sisters are playing hard to get, he knows just what to say:
“Now you could hit the sheets or the streets, it don’t make me no never mind. Now that’s your bag baby, you can go, or you could come. Can you dig it?”
What a champion!
Black Dynamite 2 – 1
As you can see ladies and gents, the scores don’t lie, the winner of this week’s Clash of the Titans is Black Dynamite.
Join us again next week when our two combatants will be none other than Ash for The Evil Dead trilogy fame and Ash from Alien!