Following the recent end of my ten year relationship, there are many things I’ve had to deal with. Changing my direct debits, leaving a forwarding address for mail, getting a whole bed to myself. But the one thing that really dug the knife in was the fact that the only thing in the flat that wasn’t mine was the entertainment system. This included a Sony HD TV, DVD player and surround-sound. Oh, and the PS3, so I no longer have the joys of streaming Lovefilm. I got the Wii and the coffee machine. It’s a bloody good coffee machine though.
Just after the break-up decision came, the fighting began over cardboard boxes and various bits of crap we had stored. But the very worst thing I could ever imagined coming to blows over was the DVD collection. I looked at it and thought “I have to share this – they’re not all mine” with great sadness and simultaneous loathing for the ex. Even the ones I bought as ‘gifts’ – you know, the ones that you want to watch but double up as presents to look good? The Batmans and the Bonds? Obviously he won’t be after my horror collection (he’s not a fan) or extensive musical boxsets – but what about the ones we’ve cherished together? The things we introduced each other to and laughed at heartily, while birds sang and mice played? (We genuinely had a mice problem last year during building works, and a bizarre number of parakeets hang around on the roof). You can’t beat sharing your love of film, and the true horror of being broken-hearted is when this is taken away from you.
However, the main things I am grateful for being introduced to are… well… okay, in all honesty, I’m the one with the good taste. How can you not like Hammer or Rocky Horror?! Top Gun and The Goonies have their limits I’m afraid, he can go ‘play with the boys’ all he likes. I did watch Band of Brothers with him though, I’ll give him that (although this was one of those presents I mentioned, as I actually wanted to watch it too).
After a small fight over the Family Guy boxset we divided up the collection reasonably amicably. Here are some that I saved with valour, and some of those that got away…
Band of Brothers – see the ‘tactical present’ idea above.
The Mighty Boosh – another tactical present, although he wasn’t a fan. Ideal for insomnia.
Every horror DVD – after years of trying to turn him to the dark side, I am now grateful that he hated horror films. Collection ranges from Hammer boxsets to A Tale of Two Sisters. He refused to watch them all, with the exception of The Shining. Pussy.
Every Disney DVD – pff. I would fight to the death. Nothing comforts a broken heart like the dulcet tones of Belle and Cinderella.
The Goonies – it’s fun, I won’t lie – but I’m not heartbroken he got this. There are only so many truffle-shuffles I can laugh at.
Inception – tactical gift backfire. I have a huge regret for this. It lies heavy on my heart.
Twilight – it’s not like I had to fight for this. I like to think that I enjoy this film on an intellectual/ironic level. Truth is, I can neither help or explain it.
Wayne’s Worlds Swing Party Pack – over my fucking dead body. Wayne’s World is part of my life – the very essence of my being. Without my truly remarkable memory for quoting the film, I would never have made it as far as I have in life. In fact, I would base my entire success on this film. For example, in the first film, Wayne demonstrates how a hapless singleton can end up with some bodacious babe by being himself. Surely society would be a much better place if more films and books promoted this? Game frickin’ on, while I’m rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh, and I also tried the sneaky tactic of offering lots of shit DVDs in exchange for one good one. Sadly this failed. So singletons, I implore you, before hastily moving in with someone, make sure you put your foot down over your DVD collection. There is no law that should allow a 50/50 split in something so precious. Take the hamster, the kids and the family silver – but do not take my motherfuckin’ anniversary edition of Grease.