The Golden Globes are on tonight. Ricky Gervais hosts once again promising more insults than ever before. The thing is there’s no possible way he can be more insulting than the films that are likely to win. Saying that… last year the Globes were the last awards body to award The Social Network before The King’s Speech started sweeping the floor with it, so they’re not all that bad. There’s a weird dichotomy at the heart of the HFPA… they’re undeniably star fuckers yet they have a stronger European sensibility which is why it’s surprising that Drive didn’t show up here of all places.
So expect category fraud, forehead slapping and inevitable shrugging.
Anyway, here’s some predictions:
- “The Descendants”
- “The Help”
- “Hugo”
- “The Ides of March”
- “Moneyball”
- “War Horse”
Will Win: Hugo
Should Win: Moneyball
In A Perfect World: Drive
Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
- “50/50″
- “The Artist”
- “Bridesmaids”
- “Midnight in Paris”
- “My Week with Marilyn”
Will Win: The Artist
Should Win: Bridesmaids
In A Perfect World: Submarine (I’m sure if I’d seen The Muppets that would be here too)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
- George Clooney, “The Descendants”
- Leonardo DiCaprio, “J. Edgar”
- Michael Fassbender, “Shame”
- Ryan Gosling, “The Ides of March
- Brad Pitt, “Moneyball”
Will Win: George Clooney
Should Win: Brad Pitt
In A Perfect World: Tom Hardy – Warrior/Michael Shannon – Take Shelter
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
- Glenn Close, “Albert Nobbs”
- Viola Davis, “The Help”
- Rooney Mara, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
- Meryl Streep, “The Iron Lady”
- Tilda Swinton, “We Need To Talk About Kevin”
Will Win: Viola Davis
Should Win: Meryl Streep
In A Perfect World: Olivia Colman – Tyrannosaur
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
- Jodie Foster, “Carnage”
- Charlize Theron, “Young Adult”
- Kristen Wiig, “Bridesmaids”
- Michelle Williams, “My Week with Marilyn”
- Kate Winslet, “Carnage”
Will Win: Michelle Williams (although it’s hardly a comedy/musical)
Should Win: Kristen Wiig
In A Perfect World: ???
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
- Jean Dujardin, “The Artist”
- Joseph Gordon Levitt, “50/50″
- Ryan Gosling, “Crazy Stupid Love”
- Brendan Gleeson, “The Guard”
- Owen Wilson, “Midnight in Paris”
Will Win: Jean Dujardin
Should Win: Joseph Gordon Levitt
In A Perfect World: Ewan McGregor – Beginners
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
- Berenice Bejo, “The Artist”
- Jessica Chastain, “The Help”
- Janet McTeer, “Albert Nobbs”
- Octavia Spencer, “The Help”
- Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
Will Win: Berenice Bejo
Should Win: Jessica Chastain
In A Perfect World: Vanessa Redgrave
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
- Kenneth Branagh, “My Week with Marilyn”
- Albert Brooks, “Drive”
- Jonah Hill, “Moneyball”
- Viggo Mortensen, “A Dangerous Method”
- Christopher Plummer, “Beginners”
Will Win: Christopher Plummer
Should Win: You know what? Any of them.
In A Perfect World: Any of these guys, but Ben Kingsley should be here too for Hugo… or Nick Nolte for Warrior… or Andy Serkis… Fuck, it’s a good year for men.
Best Director – Motion Picture
- Woody Allen, “Midnight in Paris”
- George Clooney, “The Ides of March”
- Michel Hazanavicius, “The Artist”
- Alexander Payne, “The Descendants”
- Martin Scorsese, “Hugo”
Will Win: Martin Scorsese
Should Win: Martin Scorsese
In A Perfect World: Nicolas Winding Refn – Drive
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
- “Midnight in Paris”
- “The Ides of March”
- “The Artist”
- “The Descendants”
- “Moneyball”
Will Win: Midnight in Paris
Should Win: Moneyball
In A Perfect World: Margaret
Best Animated Feature Film
- “The Adventures of Tintin”
- “Arthur Christmas”
- “Cars 2″
- “Puss in Boots”
- “Rango”
Will Win: Rango
Should Win: Arthur Christmas
In A Perfect World: Nope. Nothing.
Best Foreign Language Film
- “Flowers of War”
- “The Land of Blood and Honey”
- “The Kid with A Bike”
- “A Separation”
- “The Skin I Live In”
Will Win: In The Land of Blood and Honey *COUGH* Starfuckers *COUGH*
Should Win: A Separation
In A Perfect World: Little White Lies should at least be here over Kid With A Bike. Lesser Dardennes.
Best Original Score – Motion Picture
- “The Artist”
- “W.E”
- “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
- “War Horse”
- “Hugo”
Will Win: The Artist
Should Win: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
In A Perfect World: Cliff Martinez – Contagion
Best Original Song – Motion Picture
- “HELLO HELLO” — “Gnomeo & Juliet”
Music by: Elton John
Lyrics by: Bernie Taupin
- “THE KEEPER” — “Machine Gun Preacher”
Music & Lyrics by: Chris Cornell
- “LAY YOUR HEAD DOWN” — “Albert Nobbs”
Music by: Brian Byrne
Lyrics by: Glenn Close
- “THE LIVING PROOF” — “The Help”
Music by: Mary J. Blige, Thomas Newman, Harvey Mason, Jr.
Lyrics by: Mary J. Blige, Harvey Mason, Jr., Damon Thomas
- “MASTERPIECE” — “W.E.”
Music & Lyrics by: Madonna, Julie Frost, Jimmy Harry
Will Win: Hello Hello
Should Win: None of them.
In A Perfect World: Life’s a Happy Song – The Muppets
ANYONE INTERESTED IN THE TV ONES? LET’S GIVE IT A GO. I WARN YOU NOW, THERE’S GONNA BE A RECURRING THEME IN THE COMEDY CATEGORIES
Best Television Series – Drama
- “American Horror Story”
- “Boardwalk Empire”
- “Boss”
- “Game of Thrones”
- “Homeland”
Will Win: Boardwalk Empire
Should Win: Anything except American Horror Story.
In A Perfect World: Where the fuck is Breaking Bad?!
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
- “Enlightened”
- “Episodes”
- “Glee”
- “Modern Family”
- “New Girl”
Will Win: New Girl
Should Win: Fuck knows. You can’t honestly award a show that hasn’t completed a series yet all the ones that have are half baked.. Episodes maybe?
In A Perfect World: COMMUNITY! PARKS AND RECREATION! HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER! HAPPY ENDINGS!
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama
- Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire”
- Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad”
- Kelsey Grammer, “Boss”
- Jeremy Irons, “The Borgias”
- Damian Lewis, “Homeland”
Will Win: Steve Buscemi
Should Win: Bryan Cranston
In A Perfect World: Bryan Cranston
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Drama
- Claire Danes, “Homeland”
- Mireille Enos, “The Killing”
- Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
- Madeline Stowe, “Revenge”
- Callie Thorne, “Necessary Roughness”
Will Win: Claire Danes
Should Win: Claire Danes
In A Perfect World: Claire Danes
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
- Laura Dern, “Enlightened”
- Zooey Deschanel, “The New Girl”
- Tina Fey, “30 Rock”
- Laura Linney, “The Big C”
- Amy Poehler, “Parks and Recreation”
Will Win: Zooey Deschanel
Should Win: Amy Poehler
In A Perfect World: Amy Poehler
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
- Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”
- David Duchovny, “Californication”
- Johnny Galecki, “The Big Bang Theory”
- Thomas Jane, “Hung”
- Matt LeBlanc, “Episodes”
Will Win: Matt Le Blanc
Should Win: Matt Le Blanc
In A Perfect World: Joel McHale COMMUNITY
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television
- “Cinema Verite”
- “Downton Abbey”
- “The Hour”
- “Mildred Pierce”
- “Too Big to Fail”
Will Win: Downton Abbey
Should Win: Too Big to Fail
In A Perfect World: Any Human Heart
Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television
- Romola Garai, “The Hour”
- Diane Lane, “Cinema Verite”
- Elizabeth McGovern, “Downton Abbey”
- Emily Watson, “Appropriate Adult”
- Kate Winslet, “Mildred Pierce”
Will Win: Kate Winslet
Should Win: Kate Winslet
In A Perfect World: Kate Winslet
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television
- Hugh Bonneville, “Downton Abbey”
- Idris Elba, “Luther”
- William Hurt, “Too Big To Fail”
- Bill Nighy, “Page Eight”
- Dominic West, “The Hour”
Will Win: William Hurt
Should Win: Idris Elba
In A Perfect World: Matthew McFadyen – Any Human Heart
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
- Jessica Lange, “American Horror Story”
- Kelly MacDonald, “Boardwalk Empire”
- Maggie Smith, “Downton Abbey”
- Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”
- Evan Rachel Wood, “Mildred Pierce”
Will Win: Maggie Smith
Should Win: Jessica Lange
In A Perfect World: Gillian Jacobs – COMMUNITY! Eliza Couple – HAPPY ENDINGS! Naya Rivera – Glee!
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
- Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones”
- Paul Giamatti, “Too Big to Fail”
- Guy Pearce, “Mildred Pierce”
- Tim Robbins, “Cinema Verite”
- Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family”
Will Win: Peter Dinklage
Should Win: Peter Dinklage
In A Perfect World: Neil Patrick Harris – How I Met Your Mother! DANNY PUDI – COMMUNITY! DONALD GLOVER – COMMUNITY! DAMON WAYANS JR – HAPPY ENDINGS! RON MUTHAFUCKIN’ SWANSON!
